I apologize for the scattered…deep…gloomy—weirdness….I got to thinking today at work….(always dangerous) and just wrote in a stream of thought (I know it’s stream of consciousness---but I like stream of thought better…)
So anyhooo—I started thinking about how art makes us remember and helps us heal—and well……blah…
Is it possible that I am so troubled with my experience with art right now because the part of my brain which is now required to operate in order to create works of art, and maintain that level of creativity is also the part of my brain which controls memories, be they pleasant or painful---frightening or traumatic….
I fear that my dream may also lead to my nightmare…
My hope may be my downfall….
I know that God would not lead me back to this place to leave me alone….
It’s strange that school seems so familiar, yet not if it is the very place that is leading me to tap into my innermost pain….how bizarre and yet amazing….
I almost feel like fleeing…but yet I feel that I cannot because this is my chance to embrace freedom….I wonder if this is what all of the artists of old have faced---the desire to create, and the fear of what they would inevitably unlock….the demons which creating in the right brain would lead them to discover….ironic how when you have been driven mad you are said to not be in your “right mind” but when I am on a tangent, I am almost sure to be in my right brain…..
Is it better to create and be haunted, or to forgo it and lead a peaceful existence? Is that truly peace-or a meaningless existence...
Ok….not too depressing for this festive holiday season….
4 comments:
Sometime we have to pass through to get to the other side. Sometimes we have to open the door to usher the unwanted guest back out that same door.
The most important thing you said was "I know that God would not lead me back to this place to leave me alone…." Not only is God with you, but there are many of us who love you who are willing to walk with you as well.
Tiny, tiny steps, my dear, and remember that feeling out of control is just that...a feeling. You are capable, with God's help, of taking care of yourself.
Love you, sister!!
Good advice for Seekinghim. You just have to remember, Em, that art is one of your ways of confronting, dealing with and expressing all of your emotions and memories and feelings...and you are soooo good at it!
Don't give up yet and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. ::hugs::
You'll get there. "There" being the place where art is exactly what you want it to be and like it being. It's going to suck for awhile, but you'll get there. <3
*gathering up wits about me...taking deep breath*
ok---encouraging words taken to heart--
you guys are are my cheering section and mean more to me than you know...
there's a verse in the bible that talks about how a single strand is easily broken, but a chord of many strands is strong not easily broken---such is our will, and strength when we stand together.
I <3 u all!
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