I've been thinking alot about alot of things lately---and this one is nagging at me. I'm not sure if I've ever been in love.
I suppose if you have you know it---
Loving someone, and being in love, to the point that you're willing to be with that person and that person alone---I guess I'd have to first resolve how I feel about myself.
I would have to forgive myself for things had no control over---and figure out if I want to wait to find the "one" (if such a person exists)
or simply continue to live from one crappy relationship to the next---with what seems to be no regard to my own real feelings---just a desire to not be alone, or fill some sort of void left by a father I never really knew, and never will know since he's so emotionally distant.
I pray alot that God will keep me from making a bigger lapse in judgement than I've already made---and that He will guard my heart---I really don't want to get too hurt. I don't want to be alone, but I suppose there are worse things.
When I look at my parents, I think, damn--if they had only thought about the potentiality of children--what it would do to us--why would they ever even have gotten married? Or when they realized it was bad---why not just split the difference and get a divorce before they HAD kids---or how about therapy?!
AARGH!
I guess I just don't understand. Will I ever?
3 comments:
Thanks for your honesty. It's hard to learn to be vulnerable and allow others to get close once you've been hurt.
Oh, Em, that's a good post. I think if you keep the end in mind and know what you're aiming for, you'll find love and I think it'll be wonderful. I also have a book for you (my room at Grandma's has all the relationship books). And I, for one, am INSANELY GLAD your parents got married and had kids, even if it didn't end well, because in the end it ended with YOU and (I am selfish) without you I know at least four or five people who'd be worse off b/c they hadn't known you.
I would be one of those "worse off" ones that Katherine mentioned, if your parents hadn't married and had kids. Don't give up on love...I believe it is worth the pain.
Hang in there! Love you!
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